All for the Greater Good

The gripes:

"I want to co-sleep, but my husband says he can't sleep with the baby in bed"; "He wants to sleep train our son, I think it's cruel"; "I need a break from my son, but he always wants to be held"; "My husband trusts only me with our daughter, but I want to go back to work"; "I'm dying to wean my baby, but he always wants my breast"; "I crave couple time with my partner, but he wants to spend his free time with our daughter."

In a perfect world, the mommy-baby-daddy trinity is in total attunement and accord. In reality, things are never so smooth. You and your partner may not agree about what method, option or choice is best for your family's greater good.

What's a mom to do?


Embrace the following principle:

My primary purpose is for my family as a whole to thrive; our individual well-being depends on our family's unity.

There are 3 people to think about: your baby, you, and your partner; the various wants, needs and desires of each will not necessarily correspond.

  • Your baby needs to be held, just when you need a break.
  • Your partner craves alone time with you, just when you want to be with your baby.
  • You desire more intellectual stimulation, just when your partner decides you should quit your job and stay home full time.

    • A blue print for family concord:

    Honest communication goes far when needs and desires conflict. Try the following steps for increased communication and positive change.

    Step 1: Set aside time each week to talk with your partner.

    Step 2: Communicate your feelings to each other in loving and supportive ways.

    Tips:

  • Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.

    • Example:

    "I feel left out when you spend so much time with the baby" INSTEAD OF "You make me feel left out because you're always with the baby."

  • Make requests, not demands.

    • Example:

    "I can't sleep when the baby's in our bed; I would like to find another sleeping arrangement" INSTEAD OF "You can't bring the baby into our bed! You're ruining my sleep!"

    Step 3: Look at the situation from your partner's point of view.

    How would you feel if your partner:

  • Snuggled all day with his baby and didn't give you a single hug?
  • Didn't take your need for a break seriously?
  • Kept correcting you when you tried to diaper, bathe, feed, or soothe your baby?
  • Didn't trust your instinct?


    • Step 4: Create strategies which aim to meet everybody's needs.

    When one member in your family holds reign (even if it's your baby), while the other members' needs go unmet, there will be a price to pay (typically in resentment, dissatisfaction or exhaustion).

    To create strategies which take everyone's needs into account:

  • Make sure that during discussions both you and your partner voice your feelings, opinions and desires.

  • Brainstorm together about creative solutions which meet the greatest number of needs.


    • Step 5: Compromise for your family's greater good.

    Everyone will not get everything s/he wants every time. The goal is for you, your partner, and your baby (by proxy) not only to have a voice and be heard, but also to listen and accept when things don't go your way. In the end you can come to a mutually acceptable decision: a compromise that gets as many individual needs met as possible.

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