More on Getting Your Needs Met as a New Mom

Many moms don't take time for themselves even when they can, or so moms report.

For example:

Beth has been cooped up at home with her 11 month old son Jack, who got a stomach bug a week ago. She's been with Jack around the clock and has missed 2 days of work. Although Jack is on the mend (no fever or vomiting for 48 hours), he is very clingy and wants only mommy. Mommy, on the other hand, is very tired and irritable: she needs a break and she needs it soon. Yet when Beth's husband takes the day off to stay with Jack, Beth doesn't leave the house. She's anxious that Jack will get upset and want her when she's gone. Beth denies herself a much needed break, and pays a price: she's irritable with Jack, short with her partner, and eats too many cookies at night.

Jessica, mother of 8 month old Sophie, balances working part time with staying at home with her daughter. Because finances are tight, Jessica has no childcare unless she's at work; her husband can only help her on weekends. Yet when the weekend rolls around, Jessica has a hard time leaving her daughter and husband alone. If Jessica goes out, she feels compelled to run errands or check something off on her 'to do' list. She feels incapable of doing a self-caring activity, even though she fantasizes about "getting her body back."


So, why don't many moms take time for themselves even when they can?

Moms say they:

    1. Feel too guilty leaving their (sometimes crying) baby.
    2. Need to feel 'productive' if they're taking time away from their child.
    3. Are anxious leaving their baby with anyone else.
    4. Worry that people will think that they're 'bad' mothers if they take time for themselves ("My mother was able to take care of 2 babies and her house, I should be able to do the same").
These responses have one thing in common: they are based on the presumption that mom can take care of her baby best and should do so whenever possible. Yet babies thrive when they are cared for and loved by many. This is not to say that a baby's primary relationship isn't with mom. It means that babies can feel happy being tended to by daddy, grandma, the nice baby sitter, etc.

My Story:

As a new mom, I had a hard time leaving my daughter, Bryley, even for short periods. Truth be told, I wanted to be the one she needed most. Because of my own need to be primary, I didn't give others a chance to learn their way with Bryley (and Bryley didn't learn to be soothed by anybody but me): if Bryley cried, I ran in to save the day, and if she cried upon separation, I worried about her while I was out and rushed whatever I was doing so that I could get back and be with her.
This is what I did:

    1. I took a look deep within myself and asked: Why do I need to be #1?
    2. I let go of my false assumptions (that I was more capable of caring for my baby than anyone), and came to see that Bryley benefited from being cared for by many hands.
    3. I saw that by giving to myself I gave to Bryley too.
    4. I forced myself to act - even when it felt uncomfortable: my first step was getting back to the gym.

Are you having trouble satisfying your day to day needs for time alone, intellectual stimulation, socializing, intimacy (with your partner), rest, exercise, time out, etc.?

If you are, take a few minutes to reflect on what's preventing you from tending to yourself:

Once you discover what prevents you from getting your needs met, you will be on your way towards feeling your best day to day.

Remember: You prioritize your baby by prioritizing yourself!

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Copyright ©2005, 2009 Significant Self Claudia Heilbrunn
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