Your Marriage: Challenge #6

My Surprise:

When I started my career as a life coach for new moms, I thought that the biggest challenge I would be helping new moms with was: How do I take care of my new baby (sleep, separation, crying, etc.) while I continue to take care of myself?

I was surprised: marriage - not baby - is both the issue that concerns new moms most and the problem they feel most helpless and hopeless in relation to.

Moms tell me:

    "My husband and I aren't intimate any more."
    "My husband doesn't get just how hard motherhood is - he thinks there's something wrong with me because I'm having a hard time."
    "I caught my husband having an internet relationship with another woman - he says he doesn't know if he loves me any more."
    "My husband says he doesn't find me attractive any more."
    "He wants to have sex more, but I just don't have the energy or desire."
    "I feel like I married the wrong man, and now that we have a baby, I can't get out."
    "The only one I feel like cuddling with and kissing is my baby."
    "My husband's upset because we never have any time together any more, but it's so hard to leave my baby."
    "My husband works all the time, and is too tired to help out when he gets home."
    "My husband becomes silent whenever I try to talk to him about things."
    "I just feel so angry at him all the time."
Can you add to the list?

Well, to state the obvious: husbands can.

They say:

    "My wife only pays attention to our baby - I feel like a third wheel."
    "I know how tired my wife is, but when I try to help she corrects me all the time and it makes me feel like I'm completely inept."
    "My wife never wants to make love any more."
    "I know I love my wife, but I'm frustrated because she's always in a crappy mood and complains no matter how hard I try."
    "I don't remember the last time we talked about anything else but either her struggles or the baby."
    "I don't like the fact that it's easy to be taken for granted, as if I'm a passenger when in fact I'm doing a lot to keep everything afloat."
    "I feel like I made a mistake and married the wrong woman."
Sound dire?

It's not. But time is of the essence. The longer you put your marriage on hold in order to focus on your baby, the harder it may be to repair any damage that gets done and the further you drift from your partner (this is not to say that strengthening a relationship after years of distance is impossible: I have clients with older kids who are tending to, and repairing, their marriages).

What's a couple to do?

Because the topic of marriage is such a big issue, I am going to talk about it in two consecutive ezines. Today, I will tell you the most important step you can take to improve your marriage right away.

Prioritize alone time with your partner (even if you don't feel like it).

This was a problem for me: truth be told, I'd rather stay home with my baby than leave her with a baby sitter (a concept that sent shivers down my spine!) and spend time with my spouse; and, if my daughter was napping, I wanted to have my baby sleep on my shoulder, to be by myself, or to be 'productive' and get things done.

Nonetheless, having time alone with your partner is nonnegotiable if you want to keep (or make) your marriage intimate and strong. You both need time to (re-) connect with each other, to remember why you fell in love, and to talk about the feelings, challenges, and issues that are on your minds and in your hearts.


Tips for creating and enjoying alone time with your partner:

  • Hire a baby-sitter and have a date every week (it can take place during the day).

  • Baby swap with another couple and have a date every other week (I know many parents who love to baby swap friends).

  • Do activities which give you a chance to talk and relax with each other (dinner and a movie, a walk, exercise together, etc.).

  • Do things that are interesting and fun (perhaps something you did before your baby arrived; e.g., go to a museum, out to dinner, on a long walk or nature trek, to the beach, etc.).

  • Get in bed together when your baby naps (you don't have to have sex if you're not in the mood (if you are in the mood, feel free!): you can chat, read, cuddle, nap, etc.).

  • Hang out together for at least a half hour after baby goes to bed or when baby naps on weekends (no chores!).

    • Remember: spending time with your partner is the essential first step to creating the relationship you desire.

    What action are you ready to take to create the necessary time?


    Click here to see tips from moms who've been there!

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