SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

My new book, The Calm & Confident Mom: Solutions to the Top Challenges of New Motherhood, will be released in just two weeks! Stay tuned for more information about my book, and to learn how to get your copy.

Note from Claudia: I remember the day my daughter, Bryley, could sit up by herself. As I watched with pride and a smile on my face, a part of me recognized that she was already growing up - that at that moment she needed me for one less thing. Truth be told: I felt sad. As proud as I was, I knew that Bryley was slowly, but surely, separating from me and becoming the autonomous person she was meant to be.

Although we read a lot about children's separation anxiety, few people write about how we - the mothers - feel about separation. And yet I have found that children's separation anxiety lessens when their moms take time to explore their own feelings about being apart from the babies they love.

In this week's ezine, you will read about - and learn strategies to cope with - your own anxieties about separating from your child.

Separation Anxiety: A Mother's Perspecitive

Separation:

In Jane Smiley's novel "A Thousand Acres", the character, Ginny, repeatedly yearns for a new baby as soon as her youngest child begins to crawl (away?). This resonated for me years ago: long before I had a child I knew that separating from her would be tough. All of the milestones through which my daughter, Bryley, passed have filled me with both sadness and joy. Parts of me wanted to cling; I craved feeling her in my arms always. Luckily for her, I know myself. I was aware of my feelings and allowed them to surface. I have been able to deal with my sadness without acting on it and holding her back. I celebrate her growth and autonomy.


The HOW of letting go isn't easy, and it's played out both psychologically and literally: many moms both crave and fear time alone and find leaving their child nearly impossible. Whether they linger when it's time to go out on "date night" or resolutely refuse to leave their baby even for a thirty-minute walk -- moms often find separating hard. When away from their babies, mothers often feel unmoored, anxious and scattered -- they experience their own version of "separation anxiety".


Time Away

Yet time away from a baby can be important, not just for mom, but also for the child. Mothers need to refuel and to take care of themselves. Indeed, time apart can ultimately make a mother more available for her child's needs. Children also gain by knowing that others can come to their aid. It benefits a child to learn that daddy or grandma can help him/her in a time of need, even if they care for him/her in ways that are different from mommy.


A Mom's Point of View

"I can't leave my daughter these days," says a client. "She cries so hard if I try to go -- I can see how much she needs me. I'm the only one who can soothe her if she's upset and crying. How can I go and feel good about myself?"

The feelings and situation are valid and real, and witnessing your baby's tears at the prospect of your absence can be truly upsetting: babies do have a hard time letting their mommies go (although they are rarely, if ever, damaged by it). Yet moms often have another, perhaps more hidden, layer of dialogue going on within: "My baby needs me the most. I make him happy and am the one who helps him to feel better. I am the center of his world -- special . With my baby, I feel whole."

Both layers of dialogue are normal and common: why wouldn't a mom (like a child) have conflicted feelings about separating? Just like babies, who crave autonomy and union, moms need time on their own ("If only I could get an hour to myself!"), yet feel understandably gratified and fulfilled by their child's devotion ("She hates it when I go!"). The feeling of being the center of our child's world fuels us, giving us the energy and desire to meet the challenges of motherhood. When your happy union divides, feelings of loss are inevitable.


Looking Within

Step 1: Take a few minutes and sit down by yourself or with your baby on your lap. Breathe deeply and focus on what you experience at the prospect of, or when actually, separating from your child. Keep your mental spotlight shining on you: on your feelings, reactions, fears, needs and desires. Your feelings may conflict with each other. Let them -- conflict is part of being human.

Step 2: Answer the following questions and explore your feelings and thoughts:

  • Do you feel that you would benefit from leaving your child, even for short periods of time?
  • When your baby begins to cry, what do you feel?
  • If you feel anxiety or panic, what do you fear?
  • How does it feel to be the one your baby needs most?
  • What do you imagine will happen to your baby if you leave him/her?
  • Can you picture a scenario in which your baby benefits from time apart from you -- time with someone else?
  • Do you think it is the best choice for you and your child to stay with him/her at all times?
  • What will happen to you if you don't have some time away?
  • What will happen if you do?
  • If you feel good about your choice to stay with your baby, how can you support yourself to ignore the experts (life coaches included!) who say you might benefit from time by yourself?
Step 3: Let your feelings surface and allow all of your inner voices to be heard. Sit with them all for a while and allow yourself to acknowledge and accept how you feel and who you are. Doing so will better enable you to make the best choices for you and your child.

A baby benefits from a mother who is aware of herself -- one who doesn't project her needs on to her child. This is not to say that you should force yourself to leave your child if your instinct is telling you to stay close by. Look within and recognize the sources for your feelings, needs and desires:

Be your own guide and your baby will thrive.

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Copyright ©2005, 2009 Significant Self Claudia Heilbrunn
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My Significant Self is published bi-monthly by Claudia Heilbrunn of Significant Self.

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