Scene # 1: You and your partner are finally going out on "date night" (or you're going to the gym, to meet a friend, or on a walk). Your trusted sitter arrives and takes your baby from your arms. Your baby begins to cry inconsolably and reaches out towards you to be held. You diligently retrieve your baby while your heart and mind race: Should you leave? Are you hurting your child if you go? You don't know what to do.

Scene # 2: You're at home with your baby trying to get dinner prepared. You put your baby into her bouncy seat -- a place s/he always enjoyed -- and walk away. You are stopped in your tracks by your child's cries. Her arms outstretched, you realize she wants to be held. You pick up your baby and attempt to make dinner with her sitting on your hip. When it's time to set the table, you put her on the floor with her favorite toys. By the time you've reached the cabinet, she's crying again. It may seem sweet, but you're ready to pull your hair out. Can't she stay out of your arms for even a moment so you can get something -- anything -- done?!

Ring any bells?

If it does, your baby is experiencing separation anxiety. A 'normal', yet often challenging, phase in a child's development: your little angel, who once delighted in everyone's touch, now screams bloody murder if held by anyone but you.

What's a mother to do?

3-4 Months ("Early" Separation Anxiety):

When s/he is between 3 and 4 months, your baby makes a major cognitive leap: s/he learns that you are YOU and realizes that mommy is more important than ANYONE (except, perhaps, daddy). Your baby considers anybody who is not you a "stranger" and, even if the "stranger" is a favorite grandma, baby-sitter, or friend, that "stranger" is no substitute for mommy!

7-9 Months ("Classic" Separation Anxiety):

At this age, babies are beginning to crawl (away) and while it may be exciting to explore new frontiers, it is also frightening to be autonomous and away from home base (mommy). The psychoanalyst, Margaret Mahler, refers to this phase of a baby's first pulling away from the mommy-baby dyad as "hatching". As your baby hatches out of her shell, she needs to return to you for her feelings of security and well being.

A baby clings to her mother, not sure of what -- if any -- distance feels safe. She often recoils and cries when in someone else's arms. Your baby needs sensitivity, reassurance and support through these challenging periods.

S/he may need:

When dealing with a displeased, hurt or offended "stranger":

Continue to tend to and take care of your Self during this period. Your child will not be harmed by your periodic absences. Indeed, time apart may benefit both you and your child. Moms need to renew their resources. Doing so often makes a mom even more available to her child, and better able to meet her child's needs. Your baby will also gain when s/he learns that people other than mommy can come to her/his aid.

Remember: This too shall pass. By 15 months, separation anxiety settles down. At this time, a baby has the ability to learn from the past and to anticipate the future. S/he has experienced your many departures and your many returns. Your child can use this information to cope more calmly during your times apart.

________________________________________________