Julie "Sometimes I feel like I'm not even married any more, and what's scary is that sometimes I don't even mind. My focus is totally on my baby, and all of my energy goes towards taking care of her. Truth be told, I like being the most important person in her life - the one who can help her the most. I actually don't mind when my husband has to work late because then I don't have to split my attention. When he's home, he stays in his office working, while I take care of Sarah. I know this isn't healthy for our marriage, and I worry that we'll have a real problem down the line"

Lisa: "I hate that I feel angry at him so much of the time. Before we had Ethan, we were fine. But now, he just doesn't get it! I understand that he's at work all day and doesn't understand what taking care of a baby is like, but when he walks into the house and looks at me -- still in my sweatpants, hair unbrushed, holding back my tears -- and says: 'What's wrong with you? Why can't you just get it together?', I want him to die!"

Marital stress seems to head the list. Somehow, once your new baby is born, your united duo may feel more like a couple of 2 year olds at parallel play (or war!). Although you live in the same home and focus on a similar thing (your baby), you and your partner stay side by side without ever coming together.

What's a new mom to do?

When things feel wrong with your partner, it's hard to feel good about life. Follow the following 4 steps to increase connection between you and your spouse.


Step 1: Acknowledge your feelings, both your resentment and your loneliness.

Step 2: Accept your current struggle and view it as an opportunity to make your relationship even better than it was before.

Step 3: Determine what got you and your partner to this place so that you can avoid repeating unhelpful patterns.

Ask yourself:

#1. Carve out time each week for you and your partner to be alone (a good baby sitter helps).

#2. Remember that your husband can't read your mind: tell him how you are feeling and ask him to do the same.

#3. If things feel really bad, consult with a marriage counselor or life coach.

#4. Have sex in the afternoon, before you get too tired.

#5. Set aside time for yourself and have your husband do the same - you both need time to replenish your resources.

#6. Although you may only feel the urge to cuddle with and kiss your baby, save some cuddles and kisses for your spouse.

#7. Be patient, change is slow.

#8. Put yourself in your husband's shoes when a difficulty arises; even if you end up disagreeing, it is important to see where he's coming from.

#9. Accept that some marital unrest is often part of becoming a parent (and a part of married life).

#10. Work to accept your partner for who he is, and ask him to do the same for you.

If you stay connected, the discord will pass and the tensions will diminish. Take daily action (a kiss?) to achieve the relationship you desire.

JOIN ME FOR THE NEXT SIGNIFICANT SELF TELE-MOMMY PHONE GROUP!

September's Topic:

WHEN TWO BECOME THREE: KEEPING YOUR POST-BABY MARRIAGE STRONG

Date: September 20th.
Time: 1:00 PM Eastern Standard Time.
Fee: Free (except for the price of the call).

For more information about this group, click here!

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