"I'm recently with my baby full time and am already yearning to go back to work. I feel so torn between wanting to be with her all the time (a wish I got) and missing my career. How do moms find balance between their work and their family?"

"I have an exciting and challenging career which I love, yet I also have this little baby boy at home whom I love and who needs me. What should I do? I feel so torn."

The feelings new moms experience in relation to their decision to work or to stay at home are powerful:

Moms often feel guilty and torn no matter what choice they make.

Although the feelings new moms experience are to some extent genetic -- you are hard wired to care for, protect, nourish and feel totally attached to your baby -- when your attachment and feelings of responsibility interfere not only with your personal fulfillment, but also with your day to day joy and wellbeing (i.e., you suffer daily from mommy-guilt), it is time to come to terms both with your expectations of yourself as a mom and your individual needs as a woman.

Mothers today spend more hours focused on their children than their own mothers did 40 years ago.*

When I read about the University of Maryland study which showed this, I found it paradoxical: most moms with whom I speak (and I speak to quite a few working and non-working moms) feel like they don't spend enough time with their child; most moms feel like they don't do 'enough'.

Does this ring true for you?

If it does, it may be time for you to examine your concept of a 'good' mother in light of the woman you really are.

Ask yourself:

- How much time should a mom spend with her child each day?

- Are you picking up on societal cues that influence how you care for your baby (and if you are, what message are you receiving)?

Do you:

- Thrive when engaged with your work?

Once you've answered the questions above, you will be better prepared either to come to terms with the choices you've made (e.g., "I see that I really need to work for my own good, and that my belief that I have to be the one to take care of my baby all the time is unrealistic"), or to rewrite your script so that it's in accordance with your values and your true self (e.g., "Working is really tearing me apart, so my partner and I have decided both to cut back and to move into a cheaper apartment so that we can live on his income alone").

ADDENDUM: I promised my 6 year old daughter, Bryley, that I would include her strategies for getting rid of work related guilt (I asked her her opinion at dinner):

1. Give your baby to another parent or someone s/he will like when you go.
2. Forget about your baby when you are at work; forget about work when you are with your baby.
3. Do two things (work and stay with your baby) in one day.
4. Accept that you'll sometimes feel sad.

*© 2007 The Washington Post Company; see Despite 'Mommy Guilt,' Time with Kids Rising.

________________________________________________