Partners confided:
I feel useless - like a third wheel.
When you butt in and grab the baby away from me you make me feel like I'm totally inept.
Watching you give birth totally freaked me out. I can't get the image out of my head.
I feel jealous of how much time and attention you give to the baby, especially since you don't give any to me anymore.
I am anxious about how I'm going to make ends meet now that I have to provide for a family.
I miss you.
I feel like we can't have sex because your breasts are the baby's territory.
You constantly correct me when I'm taking care of the baby, as if everything I do is wrong.
We never talk about any thing interesting any more -- all you are concerned with is the baby.
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What's a mom to do?
1. Take a moment to acknowledge how wonderful it is that your partner confided in you: no matter how painful or upsetting his feelings may be, knowing the truth is always better than living dishonestly.
2. Don't underestimate how challenging the transition to fatherhood may be. Just like you, your partner has many adjustments to make (learning to care for his baby, sharing you, supporting a larger family -- especially if you're staying home or working less -- etc.).
3. Put yourself in your partner's shoes:
How does it feel when:
Your baby is grabbed away when you're trying to soothe him or her?
You can't talk to or spend time with your partner because all of his attention is on his child?
You are consumed with worries about how to make ends meet?
You keep envisioning the horrible pain that your partner was in in during labor?
You feel like you're incompetent and can't take care of your own child?
4. Once you've spent some time seeing things from your partner's point of view, ask yourself:
How can I best support my partner while he moves through these challenging feelings?
If he feels inept and useless . . . butt out and give him the gift of learning to care for your baby (even if it means that your baby will shed a few tears)
If he feels jealous and left out . . . remember the 3 "Rs":
Realize: That what your partner misses is you. How great that your partner loves you so much!
Remember: That making time for your partner (a weekly date, snuggle time without the baby, time to talk and engage) will make your marriage more healthy, durable and strong.
Recall: That before baby, your partner was your #1 love. Spend some time alone together and you may just remember how good it (and he) feels.
If he's having trouble recovering from watching you give birth . . .
- Refrain from taking his feelings personally.
- Support him to share his feelings with you or a friend.
- Give him time to work through his emotions.
- Encourage him to speak to a trained therapist if he needs professional help and support.
If he feels pressure about providing for your family . . . remind him that you and he are a team:
Together you can create strategies both to cut down his anxiety and to live within your means.
5. Remember to validate your partner's feelings and to treat him with compassion, understanding and love.
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In the Next Issue:
Mommy Knows Best: Trusting Your Instinct Despite the "Experts'" Advice
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Copyright ©2005, 2009 Significant Self Claudia Heilbrunn
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My Significant Self is published bi-monthly by Claudia Heilbrunn of Significant Self.
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